chemo week 3--the first double whammy

One friend recently said, "I have a dumb question....what is chemotherapy?" to which I replied, "Not a dumb question at all!" It can mean different things, but in my case, as pictured above, I go to the cancer treatment center weekly and have an infusion of toxic chemicals that go into my body intravenously. The drugs I take orally at home are mostly support drugs to help manage side effects. It's pretty cool that the newly remodeled cancer center reopened the day before I started treatment. There are nice cushy chairs that recline, soft muted curtains and windows with outdoor murals next to many of the little nooks that one can choose from. They have nice heated blankets and I hear soon they will have complimentary DVD players too. They have lots of cup of soups, so I usually have one or two during my treatment, and sometimes my mom gets me other food as well. The nurses are super nice people and they do a great job.

This week, I got the Lupron shot Monday morning, and thus far have not had any side effects from that whatsoever. I had a long chemotherapy on Monday (about three hours) and a short one on Tuesday (1-1 1/2 hours), which is the way every third week of the four-week cycle will be. Tom was able to come with me for the first part of the Tuesday infusion, and we met with a social worker beforehand. She gave us some good books and online resources for explaining things to our kids and for me to perhaps look into a support group. I haven't really had the chance to look yet, but hope to soon. After Tom got me settled and left, my cousin Alice came, since she was there for another check-up. Can't wait for that baby boy of hers to arrive! Then, as always, my dear, faithful mom accompanied me at the end and drove me home.

Due to the fact that I very rarely get any motion sickness, I have grown up with this notion that I am strong-stomached. My mom was always talking about how she ruined all the family trips because she threw up in the back seat. She never wanted to ride the Teacups with us at Disneyland. I, on the other hand, have adored roller coasters and amusement park rides of all types ever since I finally worked up the guts to try them in high school. Actually, it was an assignment...I never rode those kinds of rides until Physics Day, when we were literally forced to perform physics experiments at Great America. My friends said I was hilarious. I was a running commentary of each ride: "Oh, oh, here we go upside down again...that wasn't so bad...oh, oh,,,,this is kind of fun." I can't believe it took me until I was seventeen to try roller coasters! LOVE THEM!

During Tom's law school years when we were each losing a parent to serious illness, we spent a good half of our weekends driving from Davis to the Bay Area or Fresno to visit family. That was when we started reading a lot together. With the exception of the pregnant months, I had no trouble reading to Tom in the car for three hours. Thus, I arrived at this "strong stomach" conclusion, and I thought said condition would carry me through chemotherapy rather well.

That was a silly thing to assume, and it completely ignored all of the evidence pointing to the fact that I am actually very weak-stomached! For whatever reason, God granted me the benefit of not having motion sickness, and I thank Him for it. However, as we all know, pregnancy does a MAJOR number on my body, and I have been faint at the sight (or sometimes even the discussion) of blood from a young age. I should have realized that would all translate into nausea for me when undergoing chemotherapy.

The drugs are pretty helpful though. I did a lot better this time than I did the first week. I was basically mildly nauseated starting Monday evening and continuing until Tuesday night, with a few minor bouts in the following days. Not bad overall. On Wednesday, I was WAY keyed up on the Prednisone, and felt like I was Superwoman or something. I was able to accomplish a lot of errands that day, help a friend pack to move, and stay out late at a party celebrating a notable birthday for Tom's fabulous cousin Julia.

Then Thursday came, and I was UNBELIEVABLY EXHAUSTED!!! That lasted until about Saturday afternoon, and thinking back I realize it was the same way with the first treatment. The mouth pain also got much worse starting Thursday night, so I guess that is the pattern with the big treatment weeks as well. The mouthwash is helpful although I did still get my first really great big red blister in my mouth last night, which was intriguing and somewhat painful. I love spicy food and I especially love anything tomato-based, so it is really really hard for me to not eat those foods for days at a time. I am actually stupid enough to keep taking a bite of salsa or whatever here and there because I just can't help it, and then my mouth flares up and I think, "Yeah, that was really dumb...."

The hardest thing for me is accepting that the "right" thing for me to do at this juncture is to rest and take care of myself. All these wonderful people help out with my kids and I sometimes just lie in bed and it is so counter-intuitive for me to do that instead of getting up and washing the dishes or whatever. I am learning to let go of the need to be the one to try to keep things clean or even try to keep up with the long "to do" list. This list includes a multitude of thank you notes that need to be written. Please, please, dear friends, know that I am so very very grateful for everything you are doing for me, and I record every single kindness in my little book that I mentioned before, but you just might not get an actual thank you note for a while because I am learning to accept what I can and can't handle right now!

I just pray every day that I will be able to take a deep breath, not get too overwhelmed, and then be in tune with what priorities are important for that day. There are way too many things to be done and I have to let go but I hope I can focus on whatever few things the Lord would have me accomplish that day, particularly in regards to my kids. Yesterday I cuddled with Miles for ten minutes on his bed while he laughed and laughed as he told me about a Snoopy Easter special he had watched at school. I realized that ten minutes really connecting with a child can go a long way, and perhaps I wasn't doing enough of that in recent months because I was too busy washing the dishes. In all honesty, I was so doped up, plus he's five, so I didn't really even get what he was saying most of the time, but he was so thrilled to be with me and tell me about it. My friend who I've mentioned previously who is awaiting the lung transplant has such a good perspective about that. She says that no matter who else is helping with the housework and other needs, Mom is the mom. These kinds of moments with our kids are what make moms special.

As we ate dinner and dyed Easter eggs tonight, I was telling the kids about my dad and how I always dye an egg half purple and half green, just like he did. We were going over who is whose mother, grandmother, etc. again and I reiterated that it is unusual that my dad died before his father, who at 96 is still a wonderful light in our lives. I explained that we are so lucky to have my grandparents, and that Grandpa's first wife was my dad's mother who died when he was a teen-ager. Miles said, "That's not fair!" I agreed but said that I was taught once that when you die, you are greeted first in heaven by the person who loves you the most. I told him that must have meant that my dad was greeted by his mom, because NOBODY loves you more than your mom. It also means that when my mom dies someday, Dad will be there to greet her. Knowing how much they loved each other gives me a lot of comfort in life, and knowing that they were married for eternity and will be together forever someday is even better. I'm so thankful I have that blessing with my husband as well.

So I am plugging away one day at a time and boy do the days drag! I can't believe I'm only a few weeks into this. There are lots of moments when I don't know whether to laugh or cry, so I do some of both. Friday morning when I went to get Fiona out of bed she was smiling amidst the worst smell ever. She had thrown up her birthday cake and everything else she had eaten the night before and it was ALL OVER the crib! I guess she wasn't blessed with a strong stomach. Philip was all geared up with his sunny attitude for play group, and then he tripped getting out of the car. It was agony leaving him and I felt so bad for my friends! He clung to me and screamed and I finally had to leave because I was going to be late for Fiona's one-year check-up and there was no way I could have handled taking him with me. These things make me worry a bit, but then I figure the kids are young and hopefully what they will remember from all of this is that we have terrific friends who helped to take care of them during a difficult time.

The hair loss is definitely something one can choose to laugh or cry about! It started last weekend, but I was totally in denial. I finally noticed the hair on the pillow Sunday night and Tom was like, "Yes, Honey, your hair has been falling out for a couple of days now." It's gotten increasingly worse throughout the week but I have been wearing hats and still managing to look like I've got a fair amount under there. Taking a shower is like being in a horror movie--gobs and gobs of hair everywhere! It is so ridiculous of me, but I am trying to hang on so I can look semi-decent for Easter tomorrow. I borrowed a big yellow hat from my mother to wear to church and I am unreasonably hung up on it. I want to have cute family pictures and then after tomorrow I care not. The boys will be thrilled to shave their heads with me, and I will embark into the new world of scarves as headwear. The more tired I become, the less I care about how I look. That's good, since I am certain a big dose of humility is one of the things I am supposed to gain from all of this!

The biggest silver lining this week is that the insurance approved my Neupogen shots being sent directly to my home so that my wonderful nurse friends can come give them to me. These two ladies are fabulous! It is such a fantastic example of how something that is easy for someone can be such a blessing to someone else. I have to have tomorrow's shot more than twenty-four hours before Monday's chemotherapy, which means by 10:30 in the morning. It would have been a real bummer if I'd had to miss Easter Sunday to drive to the doctor's for a shot; instead, my friend will give it to me in the bathroom right there at church! I have some mild soreness in my stomach from having had the shots this week, but nothing too bad. Hooray for my friend who told me to get the shots in my stomach instead of my arm if I could. You hardly feel it when it's going straight into the fat like that.

I'm pretty proud of myself about how well I'm doing with getting poked so much. I lie down for my blood draws and try to keep talking so I don't get faint. . Today I took Philip with me and he was fascinated to watch. Perhaps he will be the strong-stomached one in the family. For the infusions, I hardly bat an eye. I don't think that would have been the case a decade ago.

As usual, my husband is amazing. (I am so overusing that word to describe everyone in my life right now!) Poor guy has a cold this weekend but he still gets to do most of the work around here because his wife happens to be sicker. He took the kids with him to choir practice, the movies, and baseball today while I mostly rested. He also spoke with a tree-trimmer for the yard, drove me to the doctor's, did some work from home, cleaned the house, hung a picture I've been wanting put up, and posted our cute birthday video of darling Fiona! He is a rock. So much of my physical, emotional, and spiritual security comes from him. My pediatrician pointed out that this whole experience will help my boys appreciate their mom and know how to treat women with respect. I agreed, but was quick to say that they were already learning that anyway because their father is such a wonderful example to them in every way. How easy it is for me to know God loves His children and wants what is best for them because of the kind of father I was blessed to have, and how easy it is for my little ones for the same reason.