Planet Cancer

One of those amazing friends I've mentioned in the past brought us pasta and meatballs last week, the day before leaving on a trip to NY. This is very impressive to a woman who currently finds it difficult to warm up my own Instant Breakfast in the morning. The meatballs were scarfed by all, and as she was leaving she suggested that I post something to indicate that I am still alive. She does have several years on me ;) so I guess I should accept her wisdom. It is a bit mind-boggling to me that there are a fair number of people who do check to see....

So here we have a quick post to assure those far and near that all of the Carmacks are indeed alive, including Mommy dearest who celebrated Mother's Day yesterday by first, actually making it through all three church meetings (go me), second, being showered by darling cards and thoughtful gifts from my loyal husband and three adorable children, and third, having a lovely afternoon at my mom's wherein she and I got to chat and relax while Tom made us a fabulous dinner of steak, mashed potatoes, fruit salad and rolls. Very yummy. Two of the very best gifts: I got to talk to my brother Scott on the phone (missionaries' calls home are limited to Christmas and Mother's Day) and Fiona seems to have finally really internalized that I am "Mama." She is so cute with all of her words, and previously she always called Daddy by the right name but I was Daddy half the time and Mommy or Mama the other half. I was pretty much always Mama when she was crying--I think it is instinctive for kids to cry for their mamas! Yesterday something clicked and she was saying, "Mama, Mama, Mommmy" all day long and it warmed my heart.

My fingers are getting very numb these days (a chemo side effect) so that is one reason typing is more difficult and I'm updating things less. I am also increasingly just plain tired and zoned out. I know I've interacted with several people by phone, computer, or in person over the last several days and I'm sure it often seems to whoever I am communicating with that I am "not all there" (particularly if you have left a message and gotten no response whatsoever). I am aware that I am acting like a space cadet much of the time and as far as I can tell there are those who find this entertaining, those who find it confusing, and those who find it awkward and disappointing. Where did Mandy go, some seem to wonder. I'm on Planet Cancer, and as much as I would truly love to be cheerfully blazing my trail at all times, reassuring my family and the masses that I am doing GREAT, that's just not the way it works on Planet Cancer--and it's OKAY!!!! My body is being constantly assaulted, so please forgive me for being so tired and less able to form intelligent sentences or muster up loads of enthusiasm when explaining how many more treatments I have. I've always valued that I am a high-energy, upbeat person but on foreign planets you are altered and you have to get used to a new reality for a while. It really really is okay. I am planning to finish my research on Planet Cancer by August and frankly I'm not interested in visiting again so things should be all back to normal in a matter of months. In the meantime, I am overwhelmed with gratitude every day that this is NOT my "real life" and that I'm going to be cured and that so many people are providing the help that we need. But I promise, you can be optimistic and grateful and tired at the same time! So when you ask me how I'm doing and I say I'm really tired, the perfect response is just to smile and say, "Yeah, I bet!!!"

Now for you dear ones who've requested that I "keep writing novels because we like them," I do have a more detailed post forthcoming. It is just taking me a while to find enough spare moments here and there. Planet Cancer side effects are rather fascinating and I know you're all dying to hear about the latest, such as my astronomically high white blood cell counts....(As my cousin says, "Swine flu cowers before you.")